Thursday, September 23, 2010
learning curve
Its been a while since my last "statement". Used to be that I was afraid of letting people inside to see the real me. These past few months have been quite hellish let me tell you. There's a theory/ idea in psychiatry that involves "holding up the mirror". Basically- being willing to look at one's self and examine ALL your flaws, weaknesses, and miseries. And dealing with them accordingly. Its not an easy thing to do because its a painful thing to do. But once you've done the work- and it IS work, then you can start to fix what ever is wrong with your life. You can finally make it what you want it to be. Then and only then can you hold other people accountable for their perception of you and how they act accordingly. (But first you've got to deal with the realization that you allowed these individuals to treat you a certain way and apologize to yourself for that(self)mistreatment.) I swear, I love the people in my life, but man do they make me want to have a CV drink! Life is a learning curve- some of us just hit it later than others. Long as you have patience with yourself, and you continually strive to get better, then enjoy the journey. (cause really- that phrase- life is a journey, not a destination- what they don't say is the "destination" really is death. think about it!?!)
Rage
I've come out alive/fighting the rage inside/I cannot let it go/cannot explain without wounding / don't know how/to make sense/of the chaos inside/turn it green/blue/tranquil/in touch/in order/out of insane/out of order/out of me/learning to make it work/make it power/make it truth/comprehensible/palatable/ logical/rational/detachable/make you get how I feel/understand that its real/that its present/ it's valid/honest/not because you think so/ not anymore/but because I finally say it is so/ because I finally get it myself/and while I know I'll forget/that I will eventually fight myself again/ I will remember/I will get better/and you will have no choice/but to accept who/what/how I am/or get out of my way/ survival is now imperative/now I'm living for me/no regrets/no promises/except to remember the rage/and to make it mine/as it needs to be
Learning that giving away too much of yourself is never a good thing... amazing what you learn in 10 years plus...
Do I sacrifice myself for you
Would that make you happy
What do I give to supplement you
My heart
My happiness
My smile
I’ll give it all to you
If it would make you happy
Tell me what you want from me
People respond better to love and kindness than hurt
Which you do so easily
Here Take my heart
It will make a good snack
Take my happiness
It doesn’t really exist so it’s of no use to me
Take my smile
It’s false anyway (waiting for my face to crack from all this damn smiling)
Don’t force me to bend to your will
Don’t criticize me for innocent mistakes
Love me and mean it
Care for me and show it
Trust in me and follow up on that trust
I came to you
I came through you
Love me don’t hurt me
Give me what I need correctly
And I will sacrifice myself for you
4/26/1998
Do I sacrifice myself for you
Would that make you happy
What do I give to supplement you
My heart
My happiness
My smile
I’ll give it all to you
If it would make you happy
Tell me what you want from me
People respond better to love and kindness than hurt
Which you do so easily
Here Take my heart
It will make a good snack
Take my happiness
It doesn’t really exist so it’s of no use to me
Take my smile
It’s false anyway (waiting for my face to crack from all this damn smiling)
Don’t force me to bend to your will
Don’t criticize me for innocent mistakes
Love me and mean it
Care for me and show it
Trust in me and follow up on that trust
I came to you
I came through you
Love me don’t hurt me
Give me what I need correctly
And I will sacrifice myself for you
4/26/1998
I have raised you
But you are not my own
I have loved you
Even when there was no love to give
I have honored you
Giving you all I have
I have cherished you
giving loving honoring
yet
you do not give the same to me
we are not on equal ground
the foundation is rotten
the walls are crumbling
and the roof has holes
this is no place for love to live
a beating heart to survive
infection has set in
cancer kills
thought is as powerful as word
as deed
as hunger
I am hungry for life
For realness
For something I can sink my
Teeth heart soul mind body into
Give me something real
Cause this ain’t workin
Give me your truth
Your flesh of flesh
Soul of the soul
Mind of the mind
Realness
Tangibility
It’s a good thing
Give me what I need and you will always have yours
But you are not my own
I have loved you
Even when there was no love to give
I have honored you
Giving you all I have
I have cherished you
giving loving honoring
yet
you do not give the same to me
we are not on equal ground
the foundation is rotten
the walls are crumbling
and the roof has holes
this is no place for love to live
a beating heart to survive
infection has set in
cancer kills
thought is as powerful as word
as deed
as hunger
I am hungry for life
For realness
For something I can sink my
Teeth heart soul mind body into
Give me something real
Cause this ain’t workin
Give me your truth
Your flesh of flesh
Soul of the soul
Mind of the mind
Realness
Tangibility
It’s a good thing
Give me what I need and you will always have yours
Where were you
When the rape of my people was happening
Where were you
When the killing of my womb was sanctioned
Where were you
When the beating of my brother
the raping of my mother
the emasculation of my father
was being carried out
Where were you
when the genocide of a people
was a good thing
I understand you were not there
but you carry that legacy in your veins
You carry the image
of those before you
that perpetrated these crimes
Yes you were not there
but you are here now
Have you done anything to understand my pain
My rage
My fear
My hatred mistrust disbelief
That you could so cavalierly act
as if you are totally innocent
all actions benign
I do not see you attempting to understand
Nor to negate
Abate
or demonstrate
something new
A change
for the better
There is hope yet
You are here
So let us begin
There is much work to be done
When the rape of my people was happening
Where were you
When the killing of my womb was sanctioned
Where were you
When the beating of my brother
the raping of my mother
the emasculation of my father
was being carried out
Where were you
when the genocide of a people
was a good thing
I understand you were not there
but you carry that legacy in your veins
You carry the image
of those before you
that perpetrated these crimes
Yes you were not there
but you are here now
Have you done anything to understand my pain
My rage
My fear
My hatred mistrust disbelief
That you could so cavalierly act
as if you are totally innocent
all actions benign
I do not see you attempting to understand
Nor to negate
Abate
or demonstrate
something new
A change
for the better
There is hope yet
You are here
So let us begin
There is much work to be done
and I’m tired of being the nice girl
tired of being a mouse
through with feeling that I can’t be me
feeling as if I’m gonna drown
tired of being lied to
telling me that you care
when the truth of the matter is
when I need you, you’re never there
you’re so busy wrapped in your own world
you don’t see me for who I am
and now I really have to wonder
did you ever give a damm
I admit that I was too trusting
admit that I wanted to be loved
so I stayed where you had placed me
waiting for you to see what was inside
I’m not who you thought I was
not the character you’d thought I’d be
it’s now that the truth will come out
It's past time to be me
I’m not a doll to play with whenever you feel like it
not the one who wants to party all the time
not the one to fix your problems
not the one to hold you together when you’re fucking up
not the one to be nice when you hurt me
not the one on the pedestal
not the one to disrespect
you don’t get me
you never did
you never wanted to
who did you think I was?
what did you think you could make me to be?
I now know who you are
finally see you for what you say
cause your words mean nothing
when your actions say otherwise
so now instead of asking for your respect
I will demand it as my due
cause I’m not gonna stay around any longer
if all I do is give pieces of me away to you
I deserve people I can trust
people with respect
the ones that help me to grow
the ones that make sense
no I’m not saying that there’s no love
or that I’m done with you
but things have got to change
or that last line Will come true
so this message is for all the ones in life
who think they got you straight
check yourself again
cause I am now finally taking my place
I know who I am
I will not let you define me
I will not be who you thought I was
I am evolving everyday
I will not stay stagnant
I will not let you bruise me
I will be alright
I am a sacred indivdual
I am deserve respect.
tired of being a mouse
through with feeling that I can’t be me
feeling as if I’m gonna drown
tired of being lied to
telling me that you care
when the truth of the matter is
when I need you, you’re never there
you’re so busy wrapped in your own world
you don’t see me for who I am
and now I really have to wonder
did you ever give a damm
I admit that I was too trusting
admit that I wanted to be loved
so I stayed where you had placed me
waiting for you to see what was inside
I’m not who you thought I was
not the character you’d thought I’d be
it’s now that the truth will come out
It's past time to be me
I’m not a doll to play with whenever you feel like it
not the one who wants to party all the time
not the one to fix your problems
not the one to hold you together when you’re fucking up
not the one to be nice when you hurt me
not the one on the pedestal
not the one to disrespect
you don’t get me
you never did
you never wanted to
who did you think I was?
what did you think you could make me to be?
I now know who you are
finally see you for what you say
cause your words mean nothing
when your actions say otherwise
so now instead of asking for your respect
I will demand it as my due
cause I’m not gonna stay around any longer
if all I do is give pieces of me away to you
I deserve people I can trust
people with respect
the ones that help me to grow
the ones that make sense
no I’m not saying that there’s no love
or that I’m done with you
but things have got to change
or that last line Will come true
so this message is for all the ones in life
who think they got you straight
check yourself again
cause I am now finally taking my place
I know who I am
I will not let you define me
I will not be who you thought I was
I am evolving everyday
I will not stay stagnant
I will not let you bruise me
I will be alright
I am a sacred indivdual
I am deserve respect.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
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