Truth

Not everyone's Truth is the same. As humans, we often share experiences with one another. However, even being in the same moment, we will all view it differently. That is what makes us individuals. 

Your truth is not my truth. Our perceptions, history, level of self awareness, environment, people around us, etc., help to color what we view as our individual truths. No matter what the common circumstances, they will be inherently different. 

Often times, we tend to deny each other's truths. Sometimes intentionally, most often unintentionally. We do so in the occasional comparing our stories to the individual's. If we had a similar experience, because it happened to us,  then said event has a heightened sense of validity.  (I could use several self events for explanation, but choosing not to for the sake of brevity.) 

If said event either did not happen to us, or we cannot comprehend the course of things, often we will question the person saying, "Did that really happen like that?" " You're making this up." "Stop being so melodramatic. You're making mountains out of molehills." Those type of statements are a denial of someone's truth. 

The best thing to do- when possible- is to pause, and ask yourself: "Why am I reacting this way to someone else's statement? What is the landmine here?" For some people, acknowledging another's truth is an incredibly hard act. They may feel that by simply doing so, that they are forced to take on that mantle of belief. This is not the case. When you accept the words out of another's mouth as being their truth, you are acknowledging their story, their journey and path. You are not taking it as your own (truth). 

Now maybe this line of thought will push some buttons. Maybe it will cause a pause and thinking. Or maybe someone will laugh and say that this whole writing is fallacy. That's okay. Since the above is a train of thought running in my brain, I don't expect anyone else to take it as serious as I mayhap do. This is a thought that is in process... and one of the many elements of my truth.

Dove: Choose Beautiful

Words I Never Said...

It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I can't take back the words I never said


Noise... That's all I hear lately. Everything that is circling around in my brain is leaving no room for peace. I can't keep up with my own thoughts... Can't even type fast enough to get anything out on the page. Too much- way too much.

It started with a book I read last week. Got me thinking- What does it matter if one knows how I really feel/think/process at the end of it all? Self sabotaging thoughts if you will.  And then one day all my feelings just seemed to shut down. Like since they are too confusing- why bother feeling? It wasn't numbness- more like a switch turned off if you will. Strangest feeling.

Then I went and saw Selma (Saturday). And watched a special on colorism in the Black community (Sunday night). Primarily geared towards the color lines drawn between Black women (Light skinned vs. dark skinned). And that made my head hurt even more. One of the things that they talked about was how both Black and White men often find us attractive in varying degrees. The societal conundrum that then derives the question- what's a trophy vs. an exotic fetish? (not directed towards anybody- just something internally I'm grappling with.) It was interesting to see the preferences stated...and how they were presented. Makes you wonder about humanity and if our heads are screwed on straight. It was an interesting four hours. So after that I begin positing about race/ethnicity... so add that all to the noise rapid firing in my head....

And of course there's the daily noise of everyday things. Plus trying to do a checklist of stuff. And job hunting. Etc, etc, etc. All that equals Too Much In My Head...And Nothing To Say.

I'm still trying to sort all of things things out... and while I can to an extent, I can't get it all complete with just what I think. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm trying to quantify this when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm thinking that I want to get clarity so I don't screw up. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I break it all down like a philosophy problem. Or some quantum math equation. Hell if I have an answer.
 
Square pegs in round holes.... it doesn't stay quiet for long. Soon as one thing is explained, I'm off tearing apart the next tetrahedron. Restless minds and all that. (why yes- I have been tested for ADD... not officially... but anything is possible). I know this mayn't read functionally, but I'm actually writing it like a diary entry. Hence the meandering succinctness of ... ... this. So now that I've laid out a slice of my brain to chew on, do with it what you will. It actually doesn't matter- it's more a need to get it out than anything.

So I'll close with these two things:
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you


Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through

And as usual... Thanks for listening.

Labelle Come Into My Life Chameleon 1976

Been doing a lot of thinking is of late... This is one of the songs whose meaning stands the test of time. And completely says where I'm at within these current times of mine. Enjoy.

Love: unrequited

"Tell me baby, do they make a medicine for heartbreak?" [Justin Timberlake "Drink You Away"]

Bitterly falling in out in out of love

Desperately clinging on to nothing there
Hoping that This Time, it's right

Swinging alone on this damm branch of mine
I'm Wily Coyote chasing Road Runner-
Repeatedly blowing myself up in process

Saw that fucker off; tie me to the next one

Still ain't the right one

Playing Moody blues love songs for something that doesn't belong

Laughing at the fools saying nay; not realizing I'm doing the same

Get under my skin, I lose, you win
And there I go back in love alone again

Drown my confused sorrows in wine and music Thank you not Mr. for wasting Time

Hell if I know, going whichever way the wind blows, running the same street to and fro

Follow the words, but the lies are in the verbs... and I was never any good in English class

Playing a game of love, always picked last

{work in progress. MEW 9.14}

I have trouble playing with my Words

I don’t let them out like I used to

I say to them;

            “Just a moment- hold that thought”

“Wait your turn”

                        “Let me finish this round of Tetris…”

and other things

I surreptitiously tell them to hide, to wait; ‘I’ll find you later, and we’ll conversate then’

But, tired of waiting, they disappear.

Grown cold with disuse, slack from non-flexion, my Words exist only to speak ordinary words.

No longer perceived as important are the glimpses of stratospheric imaginations.

No wonder my books have grown dusty… A forced silence begetting nothing to say

Jealous then, I find myself peering upon others’ words; salient treatises expounding on varying subjects… Moving minds and persuasive arguments of linguistic merit.

I applaud soundlessly and screamingly excited- “Here is one whom has not been silenced!” Vociferously proclaiming their truth in all its unblemished glory.

I then give over to wondering- Why can’t I? Where are my Words to speak so soundly? How have they gone? Why didn’t they wait?!?!

I have never understood, that Words are capricious beings. They come along on their own whims and settle like fairy dust upon the minds of bards. One must be willing to follow their pursuit and dance accordingly- or you shall lose them.

I have lost many a Word that way.

I have ignored their call to dance- and so missed a glimpse of immortality.

I have shushed the voice that speaks- thus leaving the poem behind.

It is only in the questioning and writing of this that I fully understand- Words will not wait.

So now I know, not to turn off the music, shush the whisper, or play the next round…

Instead, I will be, and wait now for them;

and hope that they don’t tell me to wait when they arrive!

Rajdulari - "Natural" Official Music Video

Its been a long time coming.... but I finally understand where I am!! And this is the perfect song to express that. Go Rajdulari!!!

thoughts on a facebook post

Life has been interesting since the last post I put on here... breakups, friend shakeups, quit my job, dealing with MORE unresolved baggage. Growing never ends.

So I wrote a post on my FB today...and i had an interesting immediate reaction from a friend/family member. I've been processing it for the past few hours, and this is what I came up with.

This I know (pain)

    Sometimes
                when one is hurting
    When what is inside
                      seems like a never ending abyss
And the pain seems too much

     The days you cry yourself awake
              because you don't know how or why

      When looking in your bathroom mirror
                  is a HUGE act of courage

       Facing the world means dealing with some sort of personal demon
                           every-- single--day---

       You are bleeding so profusely on the inside
                       you don't ever believe it will stop

And all that is inside, just seems too much

      You don't want platitudes
                      don't want to be patronized
                                  don't want to hear "cheer up"

What you need, is love
           pure love
                 unconditional love
"I am here for you love"

You may not know where I've been, or what lies ahead, but because I exist, you love me
Because I am human, you love me
I may be a complete stranger, but you have compassion for me
You empathize, without judgement, w/o expectations, w/o comparison
You hear my story, and accept it as my own (journey)
There is no need for me to defend myself

[Insert "Bridge Over Troubled Water" lyrics... http://www.metrolyrics.com/bridge-over-troubled-water-lyrics-simon-and-garfunkel.html]

When the pain gets too much... ... ... love me
When I want to give up... ... ... be patient with me
When I'm bleeding on the inside... ... ... listen to me
If I can't speak it out... ... ... simply be quiet with me
When I'm feeling broken... ... ... sit with me
When I can finally admit my flaws and all I've needed to say... ... ... accept my words
And I will do the same for you.

(and that wraps the poem)

*Remember- no one is on the exact same path, or  the same journey at the same time. Although we may walk with each other, we don't always know what's going on in the hearts of the person/friend/coworker/whomever that is next to us. You never know what someone is truly carrying. If they talk- Listen to HEAR, not to reply. Every word spoken doesn't need a counter reply. Sometimes, its enough to finally get the words out.
 



 

We   are writing tonight

Those of us for whom words are beyond expression
we are writing tonight

We are writing for
          a mother's wailing
          a father's heartbreak
          a child lost
          a system broken
          and a pain, reminded and renewed

We write
     to scream
       to explode
         to plead
            to pray

We are writing tonight
   in hopes that our words will be heard
   and not fall simply on deaf ears

We are writing for
     our freedom of expression
for what other way to hear the sound but in a singing so low that only the rocks and GOD would hear-
                     and understand

We write
       as record keepers- historians- and history makers
                 transforming visual life unto the page

We. Are. Writing. Tonight.          to.....
          give voice- incite thought- pray- reason- understand- reach acceptance- shine our own Light of hope- dialog- grieve all over again.... to heal

WE.     ARE.      WRITING.           TONIGHT.

(7-13-13)
           

7-13-13

Please, please- in the name of all that is Holy- do not do anything stupid. If you're angry, enraged, etc; take a moment and be calm. Zimmerman may have been found not guilty in human court, but GOD knows the truth. Let there be peace, patience and love today.

This may be asking a lot- but if you see ANY injustice-violence- or negative ripples around you whenever, wherever you are in the next days, weeks, months- turn on your LIGHT. Be the peace that is needed in that moment. Be the calm in the storm. Only then will change sincerely start to come about. We are loosing our children to this horrific violence EVERYDAY. And IT NEEDS TO STOP.

falling out of my mind with fever
wanting something that I know not what
is it your touch I crave
beating inside me so relentlessly

skimming your hands over my body
I shudder uncontrollably
all I need is one pulse
and I'm over the edge
 
how is it that you have the looks of an angel
and the mind of a sinner
I'm more than willing to do penance for you
just touch me and I say yes

tell me what you want from me
one word "open" and I do
take what you want from me
I'll not ask much in return

just

don't

s
t
o
p
... ... ...  

(6/24/2013)

(some overdue writings... don't ask. these are for a friend)

Desire running rampant
coursing through my veins
I can hardly breathe for lack of space
lungs stop short confronted with you
All I want is to mold myself upon you like a vine creeper
Run my hands over you fuse our mouths together until I can't just breathe you for sustenance
Can't you see I'm burning, melting, dying with the rage of my desire for you
Dreaming of a touch unrequited
But the fuse has been ignited
And all I want to do is burn myself out on you
 (6/19/2011)  

 Elemental Longing

Somewhere    in    deep  within   deep    inside
that space    time     logic     train of thought continuum     is
a longing so deep               that
it frightened the Victorians
was abhorred by the Puritans 
banned by the Catholics           and so
    had it's head cover'd
    hemlines lower'd
    busts ensconced
    brow beaten verbally
and flat out denied of existence

The need for pure human connection
through tactile sensate emotion
has always been intrinsic to humanity     
 (12/18/2011)

(These are the mildly sexual ones... I've to get the harder ones off my Xdrive. But I promise more soon...)    
 
 

yeah.. this is going live....

Dead love walking
Ears tired of talking
Feelings gone numb
Nothing left to love

Empty shell hollow
No more promises of tomorrow
Done with the inconsistencies
Playing to forever mysteries
Given down to my last hope
Still swinging on that sad rope
Played thoroughly for years
Cried oceans of tears
Nothing matters anymore
No longer too oblivious to ignore
The daily damage is done
Love cancer from playing unprotected in the sun
I don't plan on dying another day
Life is hard enough to fake
Now freeing on the run
Living a new life just begun
Saying goodbye to dead love inside
No longer willing to hide
There's time for everything
And this here is a new spring
I'm willing to get up and fly
Even though I'm scared of heights
Every day is a gift
That I am no longer willing to miss
Living life here and now
So watch me as I take my bow
Feeling stronger than ever before
Rocking the world like never adored
Giving all I have to those who deserve it
Cause like haircolor says- Baby I'M WORTH IT.