Words I Never Said...

It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I can't take back the words I never said


Noise... That's all I hear lately. Everything that is circling around in my brain is leaving no room for peace. I can't keep up with my own thoughts... Can't even type fast enough to get anything out on the page. Too much- way too much.

It started with a book I read last week. Got me thinking- What does it matter if one knows how I really feel/think/process at the end of it all? Self sabotaging thoughts if you will.  And then one day all my feelings just seemed to shut down. Like since they are too confusing- why bother feeling? It wasn't numbness- more like a switch turned off if you will. Strangest feeling.

Then I went and saw Selma (Saturday). And watched a special on colorism in the Black community (Sunday night). Primarily geared towards the color lines drawn between Black women (Light skinned vs. dark skinned). And that made my head hurt even more. One of the things that they talked about was how both Black and White men often find us attractive in varying degrees. The societal conundrum that then derives the question- what's a trophy vs. an exotic fetish? (not directed towards anybody- just something internally I'm grappling with.) It was interesting to see the preferences stated...and how they were presented. Makes you wonder about humanity and if our heads are screwed on straight. It was an interesting four hours. So after that I begin positing about race/ethnicity... so add that all to the noise rapid firing in my head....

And of course there's the daily noise of everyday things. Plus trying to do a checklist of stuff. And job hunting. Etc, etc, etc. All that equals Too Much In My Head...And Nothing To Say.

I'm still trying to sort all of things things out... and while I can to an extent, I can't get it all complete with just what I think. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm trying to quantify this when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm thinking that I want to get clarity so I don't screw up. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I break it all down like a philosophy problem. Or some quantum math equation. Hell if I have an answer.
 
Square pegs in round holes.... it doesn't stay quiet for long. Soon as one thing is explained, I'm off tearing apart the next tetrahedron. Restless minds and all that. (why yes- I have been tested for ADD... not officially... but anything is possible). I know this mayn't read functionally, but I'm actually writing it like a diary entry. Hence the meandering succinctness of ... ... this. So now that I've laid out a slice of my brain to chew on, do with it what you will. It actually doesn't matter- it's more a need to get it out than anything.

So I'll close with these two things:
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you


Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through

And as usual... Thanks for listening.