Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Words I Never Said...
It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I can't take back the words I never said
Noise... That's all I hear lately. Everything that is circling around in my brain is leaving no room for peace. I can't keep up with my own thoughts... Can't even type fast enough to get anything out on the page. Too much- way too much.
It started with a book I read last week. Got me thinking- What does it matter if one knows how I really feel/think/process at the end of it all? Self sabotaging thoughts if you will. And then one day all my feelings just seemed to shut down. Like since they are too confusing- why bother feeling? It wasn't numbness- more like a switch turned off if you will. Strangest feeling.
Then I went and saw Selma (Saturday). And watched a special on colorism in the Black community (Sunday night). Primarily geared towards the color lines drawn between Black women (Light skinned vs. dark skinned). And that made my head hurt even more. One of the things that they talked about was how both Black and White men often find us attractive in varying degrees. The societal conundrum that then derives the question- what's a trophy vs. an exotic fetish? (not directed towards anybody- just something internally I'm grappling with.) It was interesting to see the preferences stated...and how they were presented. Makes you wonder about humanity and if our heads are screwed on straight. It was an interesting four hours. So after that I begin positing about race/ethnicity... so add that all to the noise rapid firing in my head....
And of course there's the daily noise of everyday things. Plus trying to do a checklist of stuff. And job hunting. Etc, etc, etc. All that equals Too Much In My Head...And Nothing To Say.
I'm still trying to sort all of things things out... and while I can to an extent, I can't get it all complete with just what I think. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm trying to quantify this when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm thinking that I want to get clarity so I don't screw up. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I break it all down like a philosophy problem. Or some quantum math equation. Hell if I have an answer.
Square pegs in round holes.... it doesn't stay quiet for long. Soon as one thing is explained, I'm off tearing apart the next tetrahedron. Restless minds and all that. (why yes- I have been tested for ADD... not officially... but anything is possible). I know this mayn't read functionally, but I'm actually writing it like a diary entry. Hence the meandering succinctness of ... ... this. So now that I've laid out a slice of my brain to chew on, do with it what you will. It actually doesn't matter- it's more a need to get it out than anything.
So I'll close with these two things:
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you
Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through
And as usual... Thanks for listening.
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I can't take back the words I never said
Noise... That's all I hear lately. Everything that is circling around in my brain is leaving no room for peace. I can't keep up with my own thoughts... Can't even type fast enough to get anything out on the page. Too much- way too much.
It started with a book I read last week. Got me thinking- What does it matter if one knows how I really feel/think/process at the end of it all? Self sabotaging thoughts if you will. And then one day all my feelings just seemed to shut down. Like since they are too confusing- why bother feeling? It wasn't numbness- more like a switch turned off if you will. Strangest feeling.
Then I went and saw Selma (Saturday). And watched a special on colorism in the Black community (Sunday night). Primarily geared towards the color lines drawn between Black women (Light skinned vs. dark skinned). And that made my head hurt even more. One of the things that they talked about was how both Black and White men often find us attractive in varying degrees. The societal conundrum that then derives the question- what's a trophy vs. an exotic fetish? (not directed towards anybody- just something internally I'm grappling with.) It was interesting to see the preferences stated...and how they were presented. Makes you wonder about humanity and if our heads are screwed on straight. It was an interesting four hours. So after that I begin positing about race/ethnicity... so add that all to the noise rapid firing in my head....
And of course there's the daily noise of everyday things. Plus trying to do a checklist of stuff. And job hunting. Etc, etc, etc. All that equals Too Much In My Head...And Nothing To Say.
I'm still trying to sort all of things things out... and while I can to an extent, I can't get it all complete with just what I think. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm trying to quantify this when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm thinking that I want to get clarity so I don't screw up. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I break it all down like a philosophy problem. Or some quantum math equation. Hell if I have an answer.
Square pegs in round holes.... it doesn't stay quiet for long. Soon as one thing is explained, I'm off tearing apart the next tetrahedron. Restless minds and all that. (why yes- I have been tested for ADD... not officially... but anything is possible). I know this mayn't read functionally, but I'm actually writing it like a diary entry. Hence the meandering succinctness of ... ... this. So now that I've laid out a slice of my brain to chew on, do with it what you will. It actually doesn't matter- it's more a need to get it out than anything.
So I'll close with these two things:
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you
Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through
And as usual... Thanks for listening.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Labelle Come Into My Life Chameleon 1976
Been doing a lot of thinking is of late... This is one of the songs whose meaning stands the test of time. And completely says where I'm at within these current times of mine. Enjoy.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Love: unrequited
"Tell me baby, do they make a medicine for heartbreak?" [Justin Timberlake "Drink You Away"]
Bitterly falling in out in out of love
Desperately clinging on to nothing there
Hoping that This Time, it's right
Swinging alone on this damm branch of mine
I'm Wily Coyote chasing Road Runner-
Repeatedly blowing myself up in process
Saw that fucker off; tie me to the next one
Still ain't the right one
Playing Moody blues love songs for something that doesn't belong
Laughing at the fools saying nay; not realizing I'm doing the same
Get under my skin, I lose, you win
And there I go back in love alone again
Drown my confused sorrows in wine and music Thank you not Mr. for wasting Time
Hell if I know, going whichever way the wind blows, running the same street to and fro
Follow the words, but the lies are in the verbs... and I was never any good in English class
Playing a game of love, always picked last
{work in progress. MEW 9.14}
Bitterly falling in out in out of love
Desperately clinging on to nothing there
Hoping that This Time, it's right
Swinging alone on this damm branch of mine
I'm Wily Coyote chasing Road Runner-
Repeatedly blowing myself up in process
Saw that fucker off; tie me to the next one
Still ain't the right one
Playing Moody blues love songs for something that doesn't belong
Laughing at the fools saying nay; not realizing I'm doing the same
Get under my skin, I lose, you win
And there I go back in love alone again
Drown my confused sorrows in wine and music Thank you not Mr. for wasting Time
Hell if I know, going whichever way the wind blows, running the same street to and fro
Follow the words, but the lies are in the verbs... and I was never any good in English class
Playing a game of love, always picked last
{work in progress. MEW 9.14}
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
I have trouble playing with my Words
I don’t let them out like I used to
I say to them;
“Just
a moment- hold that thought”
“Wait your turn”
“Let
me finish this round of Tetris…”
and other things
I surreptitiously tell them to hide, to wait; ‘I’ll
find you later, and we’ll conversate then’
But, tired of waiting, they disappear.
Grown cold with disuse, slack from non-flexion, my
Words exist only to speak ordinary words.
No longer perceived as important are the glimpses
of stratospheric imaginations.
No wonder my
books have grown dusty… A forced silence begetting nothing to say
Jealous then, I find myself peering upon others’
words; salient treatises expounding on varying subjects… Moving minds and
persuasive arguments of linguistic merit.
I applaud soundlessly and screamingly excited- “Here
is one whom has not been silenced!” Vociferously proclaiming their truth in all
its unblemished glory.
I then give over to wondering- Why can’t I? Where
are my Words to speak so soundly? How have they gone? Why didn’t they wait?!?!
I have never understood, that Words are capricious
beings. They come along on their own whims and settle like fairy dust upon the
minds of bards. One must be willing to follow their pursuit and dance
accordingly- or you shall lose them.
I have lost many a Word that way.
I have ignored their call to dance- and so missed
a glimpse of immortality.
I have shushed the voice that speaks- thus leaving
the poem behind.
It is only in the questioning and writing of this
that I fully understand- Words will not wait.
So now I know, not to turn off the music, shush
the whisper, or play the next round…
Instead, I will be, and wait now for them;
and hope that they don’t tell me to wait when they
arrive!
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Rajdulari - "Natural" Official Music Video
Its been a long time coming.... but I finally understand where I am!! And this is the perfect song to express that. Go Rajdulari!!!
Monday, April 7, 2014
thoughts on a facebook post
Life has been interesting since the last post I put on here... breakups, friend shakeups, quit my job, dealing with MORE unresolved baggage. Growing never ends.
So I wrote a post on my FB today...and i had an interesting immediate reaction from a friend/family member. I've been processing it for the past few hours, and this is what I came up with.
This I know (pain)
Sometimes
when one is hurting
When what is inside
seems like a never ending abyss
And the pain seems too much
The days you cry yourself awake
because you don't know how or why
When looking in your bathroom mirror
is a HUGE act of courage
Facing the world means dealing with some sort of personal demon
every-- single--day---
You are bleeding so profusely on the inside
you don't ever believe it will stop
And all that is inside, just seems too much
You don't want platitudes
don't want to be patronized
don't want to hear "cheer up"
What you need, is love
pure love
unconditional love
"I am here for you love"
You may not know where I've been, or what lies ahead, but because I exist, you love me
Because I am human, you love me
I may be a complete stranger, but you have compassion for me
You empathize, without judgement, w/o expectations, w/o comparison
You hear my story, and accept it as my own (journey)
There is no need for me to defend myself
[Insert "Bridge Over Troubled Water" lyrics... http://www.metrolyrics.com/bridge-over-troubled-water-lyrics-simon-and-garfunkel.html]
When the pain gets too much... ... ... love me
When I want to give up... ... ... be patient with me
When I'm bleeding on the inside... ... ... listen to me
If I can't speak it out... ... ... simply be quiet with me
When I'm feeling broken... ... ... sit with me
When I can finally admit my flaws and all I've needed to say... ... ... accept my words
And I will do the same for you.
(and that wraps the poem)
*Remember- no one is on the exact same path, or the same journey at the same time. Although we may walk with each other, we don't always know what's going on in the hearts of the person/friend/coworker/whomever that is next to us. You never know what someone is truly carrying. If they talk- Listen to HEAR, not to reply. Every word spoken doesn't need a counter reply. Sometimes, its enough to finally get the words out.
So I wrote a post on my FB today...and i had an interesting immediate reaction from a friend/family member. I've been processing it for the past few hours, and this is what I came up with.
This I know (pain)
Sometimes
when one is hurting
When what is inside
seems like a never ending abyss
And the pain seems too much
The days you cry yourself awake
because you don't know how or why
When looking in your bathroom mirror
is a HUGE act of courage
Facing the world means dealing with some sort of personal demon
every-- single--day---
You are bleeding so profusely on the inside
you don't ever believe it will stop
And all that is inside, just seems too much
You don't want platitudes
don't want to be patronized
don't want to hear "cheer up"
What you need, is love
pure love
unconditional love
"I am here for you love"
You may not know where I've been, or what lies ahead, but because I exist, you love me
Because I am human, you love me
I may be a complete stranger, but you have compassion for me
You empathize, without judgement, w/o expectations, w/o comparison
You hear my story, and accept it as my own (journey)
There is no need for me to defend myself
[Insert "Bridge Over Troubled Water" lyrics... http://www.metrolyrics.com/bridge-over-troubled-water-lyrics-simon-and-garfunkel.html]
When the pain gets too much... ... ... love me
When I want to give up... ... ... be patient with me
When I'm bleeding on the inside... ... ... listen to me
If I can't speak it out... ... ... simply be quiet with me
When I'm feeling broken... ... ... sit with me
When I can finally admit my flaws and all I've needed to say... ... ... accept my words
And I will do the same for you.
(and that wraps the poem)
*Remember- no one is on the exact same path, or the same journey at the same time. Although we may walk with each other, we don't always know what's going on in the hearts of the person/friend/coworker/whomever that is next to us. You never know what someone is truly carrying. If they talk- Listen to HEAR, not to reply. Every word spoken doesn't need a counter reply. Sometimes, its enough to finally get the words out.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
We are writing tonight
Those of us for whom words are beyond expression
we are writing tonight
We are writing for
a mother's wailing
a father's heartbreak
a child lost
a system broken
and a pain, reminded and renewed
We write
to scream
to explode
to plead
to pray
We are writing tonight
in hopes that our words will be heard
and not fall simply on deaf ears
We are writing for
our freedom of expression
for what other way to hear the sound but in a singing so low that only the rocks and GOD would hear-
and understand
We write
as record keepers- historians- and history makers
transforming visual life unto the page
We. Are. Writing. Tonight. to.....
give voice- incite thought- pray- reason- understand- reach acceptance- shine our own Light of hope- dialog- grieve all over again.... to heal
WE. ARE. WRITING. TONIGHT.
(7-13-13)
Those of us for whom words are beyond expression
we are writing tonight
We are writing for
a mother's wailing
a father's heartbreak
a child lost
a system broken
and a pain, reminded and renewed
We write
to scream
to explode
to plead
to pray
We are writing tonight
in hopes that our words will be heard
and not fall simply on deaf ears
We are writing for
our freedom of expression
for what other way to hear the sound but in a singing so low that only the rocks and GOD would hear-
and understand
We write
as record keepers- historians- and history makers
transforming visual life unto the page
We. Are. Writing. Tonight. to.....
give voice- incite thought- pray- reason- understand- reach acceptance- shine our own Light of hope- dialog- grieve all over again.... to heal
WE. ARE. WRITING. TONIGHT.
(7-13-13)
7-13-13
Please, please- in the name of all that is Holy- do not do anything stupid. If you're angry, enraged, etc; take a moment and be calm. Zimmerman may have been found not guilty in human court, but GOD knows the truth. Let there be peace, patience and love today.
This may be asking a lot- but if you see ANY injustice-violence- or negative ripples around you whenever, wherever you are in the next days, weeks, months- turn on your LIGHT. Be the peace that is needed in that moment. Be the calm in the storm. Only then will change sincerely start to come about. We are loosing our children to this horrific violence EVERYDAY. And IT NEEDS TO STOP.
This may be asking a lot- but if you see ANY injustice-violence- or negative ripples around you whenever, wherever you are in the next days, weeks, months- turn on your LIGHT. Be the peace that is needed in that moment. Be the calm in the storm. Only then will change sincerely start to come about. We are loosing our children to this horrific violence EVERYDAY. And IT NEEDS TO STOP.
Monday, June 24, 2013
falling out of my mind with fever
wanting something that I know not what
is it your touch I crave
beating inside me so relentlessly
skimming your hands over my body
I shudder uncontrollably
all I need is one pulse
and I'm over the edge
how is it that you have the looks of an angel
and the mind of a sinner
I'm more than willing to do penance for you
just touch me and I say yes
tell me what you want from me
one word "open" and I do
take what you want from me
I'll not ask much in return
just
don't
s
t
o
p
... ... ...
(6/24/2013)
wanting something that I know not what
is it your touch I crave
beating inside me so relentlessly
skimming your hands over my body
I shudder uncontrollably
all I need is one pulse
and I'm over the edge
how is it that you have the looks of an angel
and the mind of a sinner
I'm more than willing to do penance for you
just touch me and I say yes
tell me what you want from me
one word "open" and I do
take what you want from me
I'll not ask much in return
just
don't
s
t
o
p
... ... ...
(6/24/2013)
(some overdue writings... don't ask. these are for a friend)
Desire running rampant
coursing through my veins
I can hardly breathe for lack of space
lungs stop short confronted with you
All I want is to mold myself upon you like a vine creeper
Run my hands over you fuse our mouths together until I can't just breathe you for sustenance
Can't you see I'm burning, melting, dying with the rage of my desire for you
Dreaming of a touch unrequited
But the fuse has been ignited
And all I want to do is burn myself out on you
(6/19/2011)
Elemental Longing
Somewhere in deep within deep inside
that space time logic train of thought continuum is
a longing so deep that
it frightened the Victorians
was abhorred by the Puritans
banned by the Catholics and so
had it's head cover'd
hemlines lower'd
busts ensconced
brow beaten verbally
and flat out denied of existence
The need for pure human connection
through tactile sensate emotion
has always been intrinsic to humanity
(12/18/2011)
(These are the mildly sexual ones... I've to get the harder ones off my Xdrive. But I promise more soon...)
Desire running rampant
coursing through my veins
I can hardly breathe for lack of space
lungs stop short confronted with you
All I want is to mold myself upon you like a vine creeper
Run my hands over you fuse our mouths together until I can't just breathe you for sustenance
Can't you see I'm burning, melting, dying with the rage of my desire for you
Dreaming of a touch unrequited
But the fuse has been ignited
And all I want to do is burn myself out on you
(6/19/2011)
Elemental Longing
Somewhere in deep within deep inside
that space time logic train of thought continuum is
a longing so deep that
it frightened the Victorians
was abhorred by the Puritans
banned by the Catholics and so
had it's head cover'd
hemlines lower'd
busts ensconced
brow beaten verbally
and flat out denied of existence
The need for pure human connection
through tactile sensate emotion
has always been intrinsic to humanity
(12/18/2011)
(These are the mildly sexual ones... I've to get the harder ones off my Xdrive. But I promise more soon...)
yeah.. this is going live....
Dead love walking
Ears tired of talking
Feelings gone numb
Nothing left to love
Empty shell hollow
No more promises of tomorrow
Done with the inconsistencies
Playing to forever mysteries
Given down to my last hope
Still swinging on that sad rope
Played thoroughly for years
Cried oceans of tears
Nothing matters anymore
No longer too oblivious to ignore
The daily damage is done
Love cancer from playing unprotected in the sun
I don't plan on dying another day
Life is hard enough to fake
Now freeing on the run
Living a new life just begun
Saying goodbye to dead love inside
No longer willing to hide
There's time for everything
And this here is a new spring
I'm willing to get up and fly
Even though I'm scared of heights
Every day is a gift
That I am no longer willing to miss
Living life here and now
So watch me as I take my bow
Feeling stronger than ever before
Rocking the world like never adored
Giving all I have to those who deserve it
Cause like haircolor says- Baby I'M WORTH IT.
Dead love walking
Ears tired of talking
Feelings gone numb
Nothing left to love
Empty shell hollow
No more promises of tomorrow
Done with the inconsistencies
Playing to forever mysteries
Given down to my last hope
Still swinging on that sad rope
Played thoroughly for years
Cried oceans of tears
Nothing matters anymore
No longer too oblivious to ignore
The daily damage is done
Love cancer from playing unprotected in the sun
I don't plan on dying another day
Life is hard enough to fake
Now freeing on the run
Living a new life just begun
Saying goodbye to dead love inside
No longer willing to hide
There's time for everything
And this here is a new spring
I'm willing to get up and fly
Even though I'm scared of heights
Every day is a gift
That I am no longer willing to miss
Living life here and now
So watch me as I take my bow
Feeling stronger than ever before
Rocking the world like never adored
Giving all I have to those who deserve it
Cause like haircolor says- Baby I'M WORTH IT.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Sunday 2-17-13
So I'm learning... Learning to trust my instincts, leaning to rely on certain things that people say or do; learning to find my voice and speak my truth. It's been an interesting past few months. Not sure where the road is headed, but I'm finally ready to drive my own car. So hang on- or not- because here we go!
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