It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I can't take back the words I never said
Noise...
That's all I hear lately. Everything that is circling around in my
brain is leaving no room for peace. I can't keep up with my own
thoughts... Can't even type fast enough to get anything out on the
page. Too much- way too much.
It started with a book I read last
week. Got me thinking- What does it matter if one knows how I really feel/think/process at
the end of it all? Self sabotaging thoughts if you will. And then one
day all my feelings just seemed to shut down. Like since they are too
confusing- why bother feeling? It wasn't numbness- more like a switch
turned off if you will. Strangest feeling.
Then
I went and saw Selma (Saturday). And watched a special on colorism in
the Black community (Sunday night). Primarily geared towards the color
lines drawn between Black women (Light skinned vs. dark skinned). And
that made my head hurt even more. One of the things that they talked
about was how both Black and White men often find us attractive in
varying degrees. The societal conundrum that then derives the question-
what's a trophy vs. an exotic fetish? (not directed towards anybody- just
something internally I'm grappling with.) It was interesting to see the
preferences stated...and how they were presented. Makes you wonder about
humanity and if our heads are screwed on straight. It was an
interesting four hours. So after that I begin positing about
race/ethnicity... so add that all to the noise rapid firing in my
head....
And of course there's the daily noise of everyday
things. Plus trying to do a checklist of stuff. And job hunting. Etc,
etc, etc. All that equals Too Much In My Head...And Nothing To Say.
I'm
still trying to sort all of things things out... and while I can to an
extent, I can't get it all complete with just what I think. Maybe part
of the problem is that I'm trying to quantify this when I shouldn't.
Maybe I'm thinking that I want to get clarity so I don't screw up. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I break it all down like a
philosophy problem. Or some quantum math equation. Hell if I have an
answer.
Square
pegs in round holes.... it doesn't stay quiet for long. Soon as one
thing is explained, I'm off tearing apart the next tetrahedron. Restless
minds and all that. (why yes- I have been tested for ADD... not
officially... but anything is possible). I know this mayn't read
functionally, but I'm actually writing it like a diary entry. Hence the
meandering succinctness of ... ... this. So now that I've laid out a
slice of my brain to chew on, do with it what you will. It actually
doesn't matter- it's more a need to get it out than anything.
So I'll close with these two things:
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you
Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through
And as usual... Thanks for listening.
