PATHS OF HATE

shown to me by a good friend. Very illustrative of the times we are in. Let's not make this our future.

For royal fuck's sake.

I am fed up with self emotional blackmail.

I am beyond defending myself as a fat human being.

I am over being contextually seen as the Great Marshonne.

I give zero fucks about what you think I should idealistically be doing/happen to be good at/blah blah blah.

I don't have the patience for vampires. Y'all seriously 'bout to get staked.

There comes a (tipping) point when you finally have to put the burden of being your supposed self down, and really start delivering YOU.

I don't vent. I do not have a paper diary that I consistently write in (I'll do it maybe every couple of months...) I don't tell the people that I have problems with why I have a problem with them. I stay silent and go about my (un)merry way.

People wonder why I don't agree/hang out more/do X,Y,Z... because I've heard some variation of all that shit at one point or another, and I either don't care to begin with, or someone has proven by their actions that caring is futile.

So yeah, I have a deep self loathing- I'm either too good for something, or far from good enough (I've been told both of those things)

I don't have a solid sense of self esteem.

I actively practice mild forms of self hate.

I dislike most people.

I'm nowhere as strong as my circle seems to think I am.

I'm tired of the approval and the criticism.

I really don't care what most people think of me; and the ones that actually mean something, are no where to be found when I need them. (thanks for the solidification of action/word agreement.)

I'm not suicidal- please don't come clamoring to my electronic or physical door freaking out about that. What this is, is an extremely pissed off M. I've hit my limit with ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT THAT HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS.

And I know exactly what I'm going to do about it.

So don't be surprised if I disappear for awhile- or if you get cut from my life. I'm throwing out a lot of garbage; and everything/everyone is fair game.

Peace and Pieces.

PC and busses

Seriously: Get off your PC-ness (political correctness, polite conservatism, passive cynicism...) and move to the back of the bus. There ARE seats available. Especially if we're on a articulated bus.

If you'd bother paying attention, the majority of people sitting in the back of the bus this time of day are WHITE JUST LIKE YOU. Oh wait - are you scared to sit amongst your peers? Is the stigma too great for you to carry yourself to the back of the bus? Well then- lets all congregate by the front like fucking sheep. Heaven forbid you sit where there is room, and accommodate all of us who want to get home. I call major bullshit on this mentality.

So yeah- take off your headphones and look at me like I'm the rudest thing ever- I know there are seats back there, and I'm going to go sit my fat black butt down. Have fun staring while I ask the two people hogging the center of the back seat to move their baggage so I can sit down. Wake up people. 

This occurred at approx. 4:45 this afternoon, on the route 8 bus from Queen Anne/ Broadway. I take this bus to and from school every day at varying times. The 2:30-6pm homebound run isn't usually bad; maybe it was the Monday idiocy? I have no idea. But seriously folks, get a grip and some common sense. Sheezus Fries.

CARE

stuck in the thought woods...

I've been in my head a lot lately... too much to keep track of. Often I wish I could just 

turn it all off... Just to not think- process stuff- if such a thing was possible. I try 

getting lost in the music, dancing, reading... and it just goes and goes and goes and goes. 

On the other hand, some of these thoughts are germinating some really good written work. 

So maybe it isn't all bad to have a rushing brain. But it's awfully noisy inside there...

Racial Reaction

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10205682939701484&set=a.1039056825387.2009198.1494534450&type=3&fref=n

Sometimes you have to speak up. Staying silent is simply not an option. I tend to watch and observe; letting people do their thing. Rarely do I get into saying my piece within the Racial Divide- but I simply had to. This is my reply.

It's not "lumping in" to simply say that your experience in this world is vastly different than mine. Or any person of color. What is being stated is that as an American of White descent, the lens in which you view the world is NOT the same as the lens that POC live through and view the world every day.

To be blunt- you are safe in your Whiteness. As an African American female, I don't have the privilege to go into a department store and not be watched as potential thief. You do. Within the media, you can find a standard of beauty that suits your taste. I cannot.

 I do not and cannot presume to know what your personal experience of life has been; but White America tends not to lend that same respect to POC. THAT is what Ms. Jordan was saying above.

 Racism is a social construct devised by those in power to keep themselves as the majority; and to keep those they deem inferior subjugated. Please tell me when in the history of the United States of America have People of Color had power over White America- past, present, or possibly within the near future?

To a degree- everyone has privilege- except those that truly don’t. However, as a White female, the privileges that you enjoy are superior to those that most POC have. I would ask that you take a moment and think of all the things that you have in your life that you are blessed by, and ask your self- does everyone have these same blessings and privileges that I do? I can guarantee that if you break it down by ethnic background (race, color- however you want to play it), that the answer will be no.

I invite you to sit down with a POC and **listen** to their story. Leave out all preconceived notions, bias, and fears, and just listen. Not with an agenda, not so you can say “I did it”, and not to formulate a reply. But to listen with your heart the story of someone that has walked a different path than yours, that encounters this sort of fear on a daily basis.

Praying for love, peace, and light throughout your path.

The Night Is Still Young --- Nicki Ninaj

https://youtu.be/IvN5h9BE444

Possibilities....

I'd forgotten what that feeling was like. How if felt to just BE. Like you have all the cards in the deck and can play any combination you want... cause no matter what you can't lose. 

The feeling of freedom... being open to change... laughing simply because you can. 

It's hard to believe that 2015 is almost gone. That a new year, a new dawn is approaching. Not that every day isn't a new dawning, but there's always a breath of different air with the new year.

That's where the excitement is for me. The idea of a whole new year of possibilities untapped. Untamed. Ready to be explored and revolutionized.

What are your possibilities? 

somewhere beyond the middle

Frustrated, irritated, annoyed... I could go on, but what's the point?!?! Being in love and in lust is a royal conundrum in of itself. MB, I could strangle you. You say you want to talk to me, yet you say nothing for two days in a row.

What- The -Fuck -Ever.

I could easily fall back into the same feelings, patterns, longing desires that occurred the first two times... but honestly, it's not worth it. I don't think you're worth it. I fully admit that I've fallen hard for you. Would have done anything you asked if you had just communicated with me. But you don't. And I've been down that road before. You know that. You know where I've been.

I'm over being the nice girl. As easy as it would be to polite and all that, I simply don't feel like it. I'm cutting out a lot of people that i had in my life... and some of them have been there for years. Decades even. I'm done having people in my life that I cannot trust, that I question my self worth when I'm around them. I'm too old for that shit anymore. I'm too tired to be carrying that drama anymore. I could list any number of anecdotes, song titles, quotes to demonstrate what I feel... but I'll simply sum it all up with two artists that rock my world.

Like I said, you're not the only person. Due to budget cuts (of fucks given), the light of the MEW caring train has been SHUT OFF. Good bye.


Alicia Keys- Karma (reggatone mix) [https://youtu.be/Kcb4yVzyuIg]

Nicki Minaj- The night is still young [https://youtu.be/IvN5h9BE444]

Truth

Not everyone's Truth is the same. As humans, we often share experiences with one another. However, even being in the same moment, we will all view it differently. That is what makes us individuals. 

Your truth is not my truth. Our perceptions, history, level of self awareness, environment, people around us, etc., help to color what we view as our individual truths. No matter what the common circumstances, they will be inherently different. 

Often times, we tend to deny each other's truths. Sometimes intentionally, most often unintentionally. We do so in the occasional comparing our stories to the individual's. If we had a similar experience, because it happened to us,  then said event has a heightened sense of validity.  (I could use several self events for explanation, but choosing not to for the sake of brevity.) 

If said event either did not happen to us, or we cannot comprehend the course of things, often we will question the person saying, "Did that really happen like that?" " You're making this up." "Stop being so melodramatic. You're making mountains out of molehills." Those type of statements are a denial of someone's truth. 

The best thing to do- when possible- is to pause, and ask yourself: "Why am I reacting this way to someone else's statement? What is the landmine here?" For some people, acknowledging another's truth is an incredibly hard act. They may feel that by simply doing so, that they are forced to take on that mantle of belief. This is not the case. When you accept the words out of another's mouth as being their truth, you are acknowledging their story, their journey and path. You are not taking it as your own (truth). 

Now maybe this line of thought will push some buttons. Maybe it will cause a pause and thinking. Or maybe someone will laugh and say that this whole writing is fallacy. That's okay. Since the above is a train of thought running in my brain, I don't expect anyone else to take it as serious as I mayhap do. This is a thought that is in process... and one of the many elements of my truth.

Dove: Choose Beautiful

Words I Never Said...

It's so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said
As I drown in my regrets
I can't take back the words I never said
I can't take back the words I never said


Noise... That's all I hear lately. Everything that is circling around in my brain is leaving no room for peace. I can't keep up with my own thoughts... Can't even type fast enough to get anything out on the page. Too much- way too much.

It started with a book I read last week. Got me thinking- What does it matter if one knows how I really feel/think/process at the end of it all? Self sabotaging thoughts if you will.  And then one day all my feelings just seemed to shut down. Like since they are too confusing- why bother feeling? It wasn't numbness- more like a switch turned off if you will. Strangest feeling.

Then I went and saw Selma (Saturday). And watched a special on colorism in the Black community (Sunday night). Primarily geared towards the color lines drawn between Black women (Light skinned vs. dark skinned). And that made my head hurt even more. One of the things that they talked about was how both Black and White men often find us attractive in varying degrees. The societal conundrum that then derives the question- what's a trophy vs. an exotic fetish? (not directed towards anybody- just something internally I'm grappling with.) It was interesting to see the preferences stated...and how they were presented. Makes you wonder about humanity and if our heads are screwed on straight. It was an interesting four hours. So after that I begin positing about race/ethnicity... so add that all to the noise rapid firing in my head....

And of course there's the daily noise of everyday things. Plus trying to do a checklist of stuff. And job hunting. Etc, etc, etc. All that equals Too Much In My Head...And Nothing To Say.

I'm still trying to sort all of things things out... and while I can to an extent, I can't get it all complete with just what I think. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm trying to quantify this when I shouldn't. Maybe I'm thinking that I want to get clarity so I don't screw up. Maybe I won't be satisfied until I break it all down like a philosophy problem. Or some quantum math equation. Hell if I have an answer.
 
Square pegs in round holes.... it doesn't stay quiet for long. Soon as one thing is explained, I'm off tearing apart the next tetrahedron. Restless minds and all that. (why yes- I have been tested for ADD... not officially... but anything is possible). I know this mayn't read functionally, but I'm actually writing it like a diary entry. Hence the meandering succinctness of ... ... this. So now that I've laid out a slice of my brain to chew on, do with it what you will. It actually doesn't matter- it's more a need to get it out than anything.

So I'll close with these two things:
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion, that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I'm scared of even telling you


Sometimes I'm like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I'm locked inside a cell in me, I know that there's a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through

And as usual... Thanks for listening.

Labelle Come Into My Life Chameleon 1976

Been doing a lot of thinking is of late... This is one of the songs whose meaning stands the test of time. And completely says where I'm at within these current times of mine. Enjoy.

Love: unrequited

"Tell me baby, do they make a medicine for heartbreak?" [Justin Timberlake "Drink You Away"]

Bitterly falling in out in out of love

Desperately clinging on to nothing there
Hoping that This Time, it's right

Swinging alone on this damm branch of mine
I'm Wily Coyote chasing Road Runner-
Repeatedly blowing myself up in process

Saw that fucker off; tie me to the next one

Still ain't the right one

Playing Moody blues love songs for something that doesn't belong

Laughing at the fools saying nay; not realizing I'm doing the same

Get under my skin, I lose, you win
And there I go back in love alone again

Drown my confused sorrows in wine and music Thank you not Mr. for wasting Time

Hell if I know, going whichever way the wind blows, running the same street to and fro

Follow the words, but the lies are in the verbs... and I was never any good in English class

Playing a game of love, always picked last

{work in progress. MEW 9.14}