Rajdulari - "Natural" Official Music Video

Its been a long time coming.... but I finally understand where I am!! And this is the perfect song to express that. Go Rajdulari!!!

thoughts on a facebook post

Life has been interesting since the last post I put on here... breakups, friend shakeups, quit my job, dealing with MORE unresolved baggage. Growing never ends.

So I wrote a post on my FB today...and i had an interesting immediate reaction from a friend/family member. I've been processing it for the past few hours, and this is what I came up with.

This I know (pain)

    Sometimes
                when one is hurting
    When what is inside
                      seems like a never ending abyss
And the pain seems too much

     The days you cry yourself awake
              because you don't know how or why

      When looking in your bathroom mirror
                  is a HUGE act of courage

       Facing the world means dealing with some sort of personal demon
                           every-- single--day---

       You are bleeding so profusely on the inside
                       you don't ever believe it will stop

And all that is inside, just seems too much

      You don't want platitudes
                      don't want to be patronized
                                  don't want to hear "cheer up"

What you need, is love
           pure love
                 unconditional love
"I am here for you love"

You may not know where I've been, or what lies ahead, but because I exist, you love me
Because I am human, you love me
I may be a complete stranger, but you have compassion for me
You empathize, without judgement, w/o expectations, w/o comparison
You hear my story, and accept it as my own (journey)
There is no need for me to defend myself

[Insert "Bridge Over Troubled Water" lyrics... http://www.metrolyrics.com/bridge-over-troubled-water-lyrics-simon-and-garfunkel.html]

When the pain gets too much... ... ... love me
When I want to give up... ... ... be patient with me
When I'm bleeding on the inside... ... ... listen to me
If I can't speak it out... ... ... simply be quiet with me
When I'm feeling broken... ... ... sit with me
When I can finally admit my flaws and all I've needed to say... ... ... accept my words
And I will do the same for you.

(and that wraps the poem)

*Remember- no one is on the exact same path, or  the same journey at the same time. Although we may walk with each other, we don't always know what's going on in the hearts of the person/friend/coworker/whomever that is next to us. You never know what someone is truly carrying. If they talk- Listen to HEAR, not to reply. Every word spoken doesn't need a counter reply. Sometimes, its enough to finally get the words out.
 



 

We   are writing tonight

Those of us for whom words are beyond expression
we are writing tonight

We are writing for
          a mother's wailing
          a father's heartbreak
          a child lost
          a system broken
          and a pain, reminded and renewed

We write
     to scream
       to explode
         to plead
            to pray

We are writing tonight
   in hopes that our words will be heard
   and not fall simply on deaf ears

We are writing for
     our freedom of expression
for what other way to hear the sound but in a singing so low that only the rocks and GOD would hear-
                     and understand

We write
       as record keepers- historians- and history makers
                 transforming visual life unto the page

We. Are. Writing. Tonight.          to.....
          give voice- incite thought- pray- reason- understand- reach acceptance- shine our own Light of hope- dialog- grieve all over again.... to heal

WE.     ARE.      WRITING.           TONIGHT.

(7-13-13)
           

7-13-13

Please, please- in the name of all that is Holy- do not do anything stupid. If you're angry, enraged, etc; take a moment and be calm. Zimmerman may have been found not guilty in human court, but GOD knows the truth. Let there be peace, patience and love today.

This may be asking a lot- but if you see ANY injustice-violence- or negative ripples around you whenever, wherever you are in the next days, weeks, months- turn on your LIGHT. Be the peace that is needed in that moment. Be the calm in the storm. Only then will change sincerely start to come about. We are loosing our children to this horrific violence EVERYDAY. And IT NEEDS TO STOP.

falling out of my mind with fever
wanting something that I know not what
is it your touch I crave
beating inside me so relentlessly

skimming your hands over my body
I shudder uncontrollably
all I need is one pulse
and I'm over the edge
 
how is it that you have the looks of an angel
and the mind of a sinner
I'm more than willing to do penance for you
just touch me and I say yes

tell me what you want from me
one word "open" and I do
take what you want from me
I'll not ask much in return

just

don't

s
t
o
p
... ... ...  

(6/24/2013)

(some overdue writings... don't ask. these are for a friend)

Desire running rampant
coursing through my veins
I can hardly breathe for lack of space
lungs stop short confronted with you
All I want is to mold myself upon you like a vine creeper
Run my hands over you fuse our mouths together until I can't just breathe you for sustenance
Can't you see I'm burning, melting, dying with the rage of my desire for you
Dreaming of a touch unrequited
But the fuse has been ignited
And all I want to do is burn myself out on you
 (6/19/2011)  

 Elemental Longing

Somewhere    in    deep  within   deep    inside
that space    time     logic     train of thought continuum     is
a longing so deep               that
it frightened the Victorians
was abhorred by the Puritans 
banned by the Catholics           and so
    had it's head cover'd
    hemlines lower'd
    busts ensconced
    brow beaten verbally
and flat out denied of existence

The need for pure human connection
through tactile sensate emotion
has always been intrinsic to humanity     
 (12/18/2011)

(These are the mildly sexual ones... I've to get the harder ones off my Xdrive. But I promise more soon...)    
 
 

yeah.. this is going live....

Dead love walking
Ears tired of talking
Feelings gone numb
Nothing left to love

Empty shell hollow
No more promises of tomorrow
Done with the inconsistencies
Playing to forever mysteries
Given down to my last hope
Still swinging on that sad rope
Played thoroughly for years
Cried oceans of tears
Nothing matters anymore
No longer too oblivious to ignore
The daily damage is done
Love cancer from playing unprotected in the sun
I don't plan on dying another day
Life is hard enough to fake
Now freeing on the run
Living a new life just begun
Saying goodbye to dead love inside
No longer willing to hide
There's time for everything
And this here is a new spring
I'm willing to get up and fly
Even though I'm scared of heights
Every day is a gift
That I am no longer willing to miss
Living life here and now
So watch me as I take my bow
Feeling stronger than ever before
Rocking the world like never adored
Giving all I have to those who deserve it
Cause like haircolor says- Baby I'M WORTH IT.

Sunday 2-17-13

So I'm learning... Learning to trust my instincts, leaning to rely on certain things that people say or do; learning to find my voice and speak my truth. It's been an interesting past few months. Not sure where the road is headed, but I'm finally ready to drive my own car. So hang on- or not- because here we go!

Shut It ALL Down.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt
Relinquishing ideal expectations
Trying to be positive
But you still act like an A**
Really?- No Respect.

Ever have one of those days that lasts ALL week... month.. year... and so on?
Ever have a person that you just CANNOT do something with- no matter how positive you are?
Especially when walking away is not an option.

So now I'm shutting it down. Nice went out the window yesterday.
Respect is no longer just handed out- it MUST be EARNED.
I love my life- and its nice to meet people and learn from them, but better when the lessons are good ones.
Even though lessons learned from negative occurrences teach as well.
Much love to those from whom I've learned a lot;
Love to those who have yet to come;
Forgiveness to those who have pissed me off;
Respect to those who've earned it.

END OF DISCUSSION.

Care for Caring

Oblivious to the madness seething inside 

people go calmly about their day

Seeing, hearing, believing only what they want to 

their tidy little world okay 

forgive me for shaking up your system 

be aware of me rocking the boat

tired of watching the world go by 

rocking on 4 inch stiletto heels 

No longer playing by the rules set forth eons ago

finally awake to my own rhythm 

not just dreaming of of my own world

chasing ghosts

so its 1:20 am... I've Drake and Jamie Foxx "fall for your type" on repeat... and this decides to come out and play. Tend to find random inspiration in everyday things... music, life, personal history, etc. Things are growing and changing lately... here is something new for you all. Make of it what you will.





Chasing Ghosts

following the shadows of a past left unknown
not knowing any better how to love
living in a dream sequence of love
chasing a ghost of something left behind

trying once more to perfect my mistakes
running to the next from the next and back again
falling for the same thing over again
never learning from past pain
chasing the ghost of the unknown

maybe this time it’ll fix itself
and easier will be said and done
won’t have to try so hard to be soft
and soft will be simple to love
instead of running from something that I don’t know
running to something I don’t have
filling a need with someone something else
chasing ghosts of never there to know



not sure that this is finished... we'll see how it goes.

Return of the Divine Light

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here... had some major changes, revelations, endings and hopefully beginnings.

Life is so amazing- a constant rollercoaster ride that can thrill, terrify and amaze you with its simplicity and complexity. I'm happy to be experiencing all of it with the world that I am in- and thankful for all that are in My world with me. So glad that you are along for the ride.

I will be posting more in the coming days, but right now its about getting back into the swing of things and relearning a lot of what I thought I'd lost. Can't wait to share my life with you all again soon!

learning curve

Its been a while since my last "statement". Used to be that I was afraid of letting people inside to see the real me. These past few months have been quite hellish let me tell you. There's a theory/ idea in psychiatry that involves "holding up the mirror". Basically- being willing to look at one's self and examine ALL your flaws, weaknesses, and miseries. And dealing with them accordingly. Its not an easy thing to do because its a painful thing to do. But once you've done the work- and it IS work, then you can start to fix what ever is wrong with your life. You can finally make it what you want it to be. Then and only then can you hold other people accountable for their perception of you and how they act accordingly. (But first you've got to deal with the realization that you allowed these individuals to treat you a certain way and apologize to yourself for that(self)mistreatment.) I swear, I love the people in my life, but man do they make me want to have a CV drink! Life is a learning curve- some of us just hit it later than others. Long as you have patience with yourself, and you continually strive to get better, then enjoy the journey. (cause really- that phrase- life is a journey, not a destination- what they don't say is the "destination" really is death. think about it!?!)